My grandfather once told my father that he’d rather my father smoke cigarettes than ever lie to him, and my father passed that sentiment on to me. The coo of a mourning dove fills my heart with a nostalgia I may never understand. I have two cats, but I don’t consider myself a ‘cat person’. Dogs are great too, but they don’t bury their own poop, and they will let a perfectly good cadaver go to waste for no other reason than it belongs to their recently deceased owner. My mother told me when I was young that my handwriting grades didn’t matter, and now I can rarely read my own handwritten notes. If I grew up to be a doctor, this anecdote would be amusing. My friends and I used to be afraid of an evil spirit in Clint’s basement, but it turned out that it was just sleep paralysis. I once ate a Dixie cup full of mayonnaise for ten dollars at a party, and later drank a half-gallon of whole milk every day for two years during business school. Now I avoid both.
May 7th, 2016 | 1 hr 3 mins
A culinary genius creates In-N-Out egg rolls, puppy feet smell like crackers, conservatives accidentally create a pro-universal healthcare meme, BYU scrutinizes rape victims, Mike’s missionary companion gets touchy-feely,
May 1st, 2016 | 59 mins 59 secs
Michael buys high and sells low, Boehner calls Cruz ‘Lucifer in the flesh,’ Black Trump drops the beat, real Christians don’t Yoga, a hungry man gets pizza delivered to a moving train, and being trans species is a thing.
April 24th, 2016 | 1 hr 2 mins
The Cramer family fails at the beach, Justin nearly fails at college, San Francisco crusades against manspreaders, sex-detecting smart mattresses might be a thing, and an Edmonton military veteran annually fills out forms declaring his legs missing.
April 17th, 2016 | 55 mins 46 secs
Microsoft exits the Hitler image recognition market, Burger King employees break all the store’s windows (again), more wet beavers are coming to California, Mike hates on selfie sticks, and Justin reveals his sociopathy.
April 9th, 2016 | 56 mins 37 secs
The Einstein Bagel is a lie, a mother falls in love with her biological son, illegal immigration is thoughtfully equated with grand theft auto, women keep the Governor of Indiana informed about their menses, and Mike steals a neighbor’s couch.
April 3rd, 2016 | 1 hr 8 mins
The Stanford Review satirizes college protestors, Trump’s campaign manager gets handsy with Michelle Fields, Ben Affleck is sad about his Batman film, Mike flakes a sociopath, and Microsoft accidentally creates a Hitler-loving sex robot.
March 27th, 2016 | 1 hr 8 mins
Ted Cruz might have a thing for rodents, a woman stashes a deuce in her purse, an enraged veteran cuts down a flag, a man gets arrested for not returning a VHS rental, and Matt abandons a friend in need. SHOW NOTES Trumped up Carson the Trump whisp...
Episode 19: ‘Some Countries Are Better in Letterbox’, with Special Guests B.R. Cohen and Simon Tonev
March 14th, 2016 | 1 hr 34 secs
Ted Cruz is almost definitely not the Zodiac Killer, Whole Foods pre-peels oranges, WV lawmakers get sick after legalizing and drinking raw milk, and the gang contemplates the meaning of folded American flags.
March 5th, 2016 | 1 hr 1 min
Justin attempts a covert nose wipe, Kanye West pirates some software, Mike’s dad robs a bank, Chris Christie gets held hostage, and Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t own a gas-guzzling yacht (he just borrows it). Show notes Hear more Kendall at thenarrator...
February 27th, 2016 | 58 mins 49 secs
John McAfee offers to trick a corpse into revealing a secret, Trump loves the poorly educated, China builds a ghost town, and Mike and Justin swap prank stories. Show notes Follow-up JOHN MCAFEE: I’ll decrypt the San Bernardino phone free of char...
February 20th, 2016 | 1 hr 10 mins
Maria psychoanalyzes a pickpocket, Tim Cook gives the FBI the finger, Manny Pacquiao disparages homosexuals, Justin reveals his “super” powers, and Mike flubs the Pledge of Allegiance. Follow-up “Oh, Reggie,
February 13th, 2016 | 1 hr 8 mins
Lindsay defends the integrity of the bagel, Mike extolls the virtues of vaping, Eli Manning suffers from RBF, Justin seeks clarity on sexist pejoratives, and Hillary Clinton gets aggressive with her fundraising emails.
February 6th, 2016 | 59 mins 42 secs
A pro-rape meet-up group retreats from female boxers, Justin’s voice tickles Brooke’s and Mike’s ASMR-positive skulls, Mike fawns over WWI submarines, and Uber gets a new logo. Full show notes on our Facebook page.
February 1st, 2016 | 54 mins 51 secs
A cat gets trapped in a woman’s body, doctors test freeze-dried poop pills, Mariah Carey struggles to lift her arm, and Mike’s landlord tries to trick him into having sex. Full show notes on our Facebook page.
January 23rd, 2016 | 1 hr 8 mins
Palin brings a flask to her Trump endorsement speech, the FBI tells MLK Jr. to off himself, McDonald’s drizzles chocolate on their fries, and Dave Markowski of the Super Hero Speak podcast tells tales of hemophiliac and Asian-American superheroes.
January 16th, 2016 | 1 hr 1 min
Whitesboro residents vote to keep a racist town emblem, Mike hypnotizes people with vitamin C pills, Justin encounters an exhibitionist in Tennessee, and Scientia Perceptum explains the one mutation that led to all plant and animal life.